When Akatsuki Goes Green
by 1238823uo4
Summary: Tobi is encouraged to become a tree hugging, whale saving, Mountain Dew preserving fool. What will become of Akatsuki? This story is made with nothing else but pure 4 AM logic, except for a few minutes of 2 AM thinking thrown in.--Crack-fic/one-shot


It isn't hard to believe that Zetsu would be a tree hugger. I mean, c'mon, he's practically a tree himself. This story is made with nothing else but pure 4 AM logic, except for a few minutes of 2 AM thinking thrown in.

Crack-fic/one-shot-- Enjoy this story to the fullest extent. Or else. D:

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Tobi was just watching Sesame Street, clapping and screaming his lungs out when Elmo began to dance. Suddenly the TV show switched to the unfavored commercial time. Tobi whined and whimpered and sobbed until he saw a commercial that he had never, ever seen before.

"_**This planet is dying. The trees are being removed at a faster speed than ever in the Amazon."**_

Tobi's eyes widened. "Am-a-zon?"

_**"Help save the earth by planting trees, preserving water, and preventing pollution."**_

"Tobi wants to save the earth!" Tobi shrieked.

_**"For more information, dial at (000)000-000, thank you for your help."**_

Tobi screamed happily and ran to the phone. He picked it up and mashed the numbers in.

"Hello, this is SaveTheEarthProtection services. How may we help you?" a voice spoke.

"How can Tobi save the world?"

"You can begin by donating to SaveTheEarthProtection services, and we would plant trees to help-"

"But Tobi doesn't have any money."

There was silence and the person on the other line hung up.

"Hello? Hellooooo. Aw," Tobi threw the phone out the window, which hit Itachi on the head, who was planting peas for his garden.

"Tobi must save the wooorld!" Tobi said, completely oblivious of the scream of pain coming from outside. He ran upstairs to his room, creating a loud sound similar to the noise of five hundred bombs all going off at once. He opened the door and then closed it with a thunderous slam.

"Tobi, go away, un. You're being too noisy," growled a certain blonde terrorist. He was holding a small clay figure, which was molded in the shape of a barbie doll. He hid it quickly when Tobi stomped into the room.

"TOBI MUST SAVE THE WOOOORLD," Tobi yelled, picking up a blanket and putting it on like a cape.

"Eh? How will you do that?" Deidara chuckled.

The orange masked maniac lifted his arms. "By planting trees and stuff!" Tobi grinned proudly underneath his mask. Suddenly, the blonde broke out giggling. He laughed so hard that he fell backwards off his chair, hitting his head on the desk knocking himself out cold.

Tobi poked Deidara. "Deidara-sempai? You there? ......Wake up, sleepyheaaaad."

Tobi left the room, disappointed that Deidara fell asleep so quickly. He suddenly ran down the hall, opening a door.

"Zetsu-san!" Tobi squealed.

"Hmm, yes?" Zetsu's white side replied.

**"WHAT IS IT? You woke me up from my nap." **The black side grumbled.

"Tobi wants to save the world!

**"FINALLY! At least**_** somebody **_**other than Kisame and me actually care about the environment."**

"Kisame and _I_," Zetsu's other half corrected.

**"You. Shut up," **Zetsu's black half replied.

"Make me!" Zetsu's white half sneered.

Tobi silently left the room as Zetsu began to beat himself up and curse himself. He suddenly saw a fellow blue friend walking by.

"Kisame-saaaan, guess what, guess what?" Tobi screamed.

"WHAT? WHAT?" Kisame growled.

"Tobi is saving the world!" Tobi screeched.

"Really?" Kisame's frown turned into a toothy grin. "So you're going to help me save the whales?"

"Save the whales? Why?" Tobi asked in confusion.

"Tobi, Tobi, Tobi. As I can see, you are a noob in saving the world. Whales are close cousins of mine, I must therefore save them, and so must you. You must learn this art of whale saving. I shall teach thee."

"Ooh! Yay!" Tobi clapped, jumping up and down in rapid hops.

"..Just never do that again," Kisame lifted up his hand, as if to protect himself from Tobi's weirdness.

"Okay, Tobi, the first thing you must do is-

FOR THE SWEET LOVE OF CHEESE, WHAT THE CLUCK ARE YOU DOING?" Kisame screamed.

"..Huh? Tobi doesn't understand Kisame-san," Tobi replied, crossing his arms. He teleported to Sea World and teleported back with a whale in the time span of ten seconds. Kisame's eyes popped out.

"YOU BROUGHT A DUCKING WHALE IN THE HIDEOUT!" Kisame yelled.

"Ow, Tobi's ears.. How does it go? Ducking? Ducking hurt."

"JUST SHUT THE CLUCK UP!"

"No, really. Tobi likes chickens, but they-

Kisame pointed Samehada threateningly at Tobi. "You. Die. Now."

"But Tobi is trying to save-

"Oh. And. Return. The. Whale," Kisame added.

"Why is Kisame-san talking in short sentences?" Tobi questioned, his hands up in the air in surrender.

Kisame held up Samehada higher.

"Okay, okay, Tobi is going to return the whale, but Tobi is still very, very confused," Tobi said as he held the whale and teleported back to Sea World.

People screamed and ran away from Tobi as he threw the whale back at the tank.

"Okay, back you go Mister Whale!"

"Mrroooophh!" the whale cried out as he was thrown at the aquarium wall, emitting a splatting sound.

"Oops. Tobi missed."

The aquarium wall cracked and broke open and thousands of different creatures everywhere throughout Sea World were slipping and slopping around, drying up.

"Sorry Mister Octopus, sorry Mister Dolphin, sorry Mister.. Shark..." Tobi trailed off as he saw a shark flopping on the ground with a bloodied hobo in its mouth.

Tobi teleported back to the Akatsuki hideout.

"So did you return the whale?" Kisame frowned.

"Yes.. Tobi did!" Tobi said, jumping up with his arms waving in the air.

"Good," smiled a satisfied Kisame, turning on the TV with the remote. "Now, I feel like watching some news for no reason at all."

**"It appears that an invader has destroyed Sea World, and somehow smashed open all the aquariums, killing off many of the creatures fighting extinction. Bob the Whale was found bleeding to death with his body somehow halfway through an aquarium glass wall. Also, a shark, freed from its aquarium, ate an innocent homeless citizen, and many performer seals. A dying squid had-**

Kisame stared at the TV while the newscast continued talking about the disastrous wreckage of Sea World, his back to Tobi.

"Ah, K-kisame-san, Tobi can explain.."

Kisame still stared at the TV.

"Uhm, Tobi is leaving now."

Kisame slowly turned around. Tobi panicked.

Tobi turned around to flee, but Kisame grabbed his neck.

"You will suffer, you son of a fish."

Tobi was truly confused at this statement, but then again, he had other things to worry about. For example, like being turned into sushi by Kisame.

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Ten painful minutes later, a shredded Tobi appeared at Kakuzu's door.

"What're you here for?" Kakuzu questioned Tobi.

"Tobi ish here to shave the world!" Tobi mumbled, the slices and cuts on his mouth causing his speech to be deformed.

"Hmm, that's nice. You can start with Hidan, he's the hairiest guy I know."

"HEY!" a voice screamed in the background somewhere, followed by a mountain of swear words.

"Noooo, Tobi wantsh to shave the world. SHAVE. Not shave." Tobi attempted to correct.

"Mmhm, yeah.. Oh. OH. You mean _save_ the world?"

"Yesh!" Tobi squealed. "Tobi needsh you to help Tobi shave the world."

"Hmm, you can start by preserving gas and saving your soda cans to recycle," Kakuzu stated.

"HE ONLY DOES THAT TO SAVE MONEY," yelled a voice in the background, followed by a random string of cussings.

"SHUT UP," Kakuzu yelled back.

"NO, YOU SHUT UP," screamed the voice in the background, which is obviously Hidan, but for no reason at all will still be called the voice in the background.

"NO, _YOU_ SHUT UP," Kakuzu screamed.

"NO, _YOU_ SHUT UP."

"NO, YOU SHUT UP."

"NO, YOU SHUT UP."

"NO, YOU SHUT UP."

"NO, YOU-

OW! *_bleep* _I JUST *bleep* HIT MY _*bleep*_ TOE ON THE _*bleep* _TABLE WHICH IS IN THE _*bleep* *bleep* _WAY," the voice in the background shrieked.

"Tobi, stop playing with the bicycle horn." Kakuzu growled.

"Shorry, Kakuzu-shan," Tobi apologized, throwing the horn out the window, which hit Itachi on the head, who at the moment, was planting corn. *bleeeep*

After the voice in the background stopped crying and shrieking about his toe, the little fight of "shut up" with Kakuzu continued.

Tobi, somewhat bored, left Kakuzu's doorway and skipped merrily down the hallway. He tripped over the ground and fell down the stairs, creating a musical of "oof!" and "ow"s the trip downstairs. After Tobi delicately landed on his face, he wandered through the kitchen looking like a squashed pumpkin.

Konan and Pein, who were having an intense discussion on whether or not they should get Verizon Wireless, turned their heads to look at Tobi, the crushed lollipop.

"Tobi wantsh to shave the world."

"Hmm, that's nice Tobi. Why don't you skitter along and bother Sasori now," Pein said to Tobi, waving his hand, turning back to the conversation he was having earlier.

"Okay! Zoom goesh Tobi," said Tobi, running with his arms in the air to Sasori's room.

Tobi tried to open the door, but it was locked. He knocked repeatedly on the door for three hours and fifty-two minutes until a kunai was thrown at the wooden door from inside Sasori's room, which landed two inches from Tobi's hand.

"Okay, Shashori-shan, Tobi will leave now!" Tobi said nervously, backing away.

Tobi walked outside, skipping in the daisies and tulips.

"La di la di la," sang a happy Tobi.

"You're crushing my flowers," said a certain red-eyed Uchiha.

Tobi snapped back to reality, well, er, Tobi's version of reality, and stared face-to-face at Itachi.

"Hi Itachi-shan! Would Itachi-shan like to help Tobi shave the world?"

"Step off of the flowerbed."

"Ish that a yesh?"

"Step off."

"Okie then! Let'sh go!"

"Perish."

"Ish perish a kind of way to shave the earth?"

Itachi remained silent, and glared at Tobi.

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From somewhere, the sound of a phone ringing was heard.

"I think it's for me!" Hidan announced.

He ran over to Tobi and punched him in the stomach, which made him emit a loud honking noise. "Ah, wrong spot.." Hidan grumbled.

He punched Tobi in the stomach again. "Oh, Tobi, I think it's on now, open your mouth."

Kisame looked over at Hidan who appeared to be talking to Tobi, except he was talking rather loudly over Tobi's mask.

"Kakuzu, what's Hidan doing?"

"Oh, remember three weeks ago, when you heard that blood curdling scream outside?"

"Yeah.. I think that was Tobi's scream?"

"Yeah, he made Itachi snap."

"What happened to Tobi?"

"Oh, Itachi just stuffed a phone, a pine tree seed, and I think a bicycle horn down Tobi's throat.."

"Ooh. Gory."

"Yeah."

"Wait, a pine seed?"

"Itachi's helping Tobi save the world by growing a tree."

_---End_

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This is my gift for not updating my other story, which I should be typing, but am not.

And yes, I did get that one line where Tobi says to Deidara "Wake up, sleepyheaaaad" from Family Guy. I couldn't resist, it just fit together so perfectly.

I was watching this one TV show where this one guy accidentally swallowed a pine tree seed. A pine tree was growing in his lung, and he didn't even know until he started coughing up blood, and then he had to have it surgically removed. I saw a picture of the tiny pine tree in his lung. It was freak'n gross. o.o


End file.
